Final Fantasy IV Rant
Number One: Cecil the Paladin
First off, after your ship gets attacked by Leviathan, Cecil randomly ends up on the peninsula that just happens to house Mysidia. Amazing coincidence aside, I wonder how Cecil managed to get there in full plate armor without sinking to the bottom of the very deep ocean. Last I checked, armor has the buoyancy of a large stone. Not to mention the fact that he woke up on the penninsula, meaning that during the entire trip he was unconscious, and unable to make any effort to stay afloat.
So, the miracle of survival aside, Cecil enters the quaint town of Mysidia. There is absolutely no resistance, despite the fact that you had violently attacked said town only days earlier. Well, one black mage does turn you into a frog, but you can turn yourself back by talking to him a second time and making him recast the spell. (Smart boys, these black mages are.) Speaking of black mages, the entire town is full of them, give or take a white mage or two. Makes one wonder how exactly the town was undefended when the Red Wings attacked. Doesn't anybody here know an offensive spell like Firaga or something? Or did all the black mages just learn the worthless status changing spells that don't effect anyone?
Moving on, you enter the large building in the center of town. Cecil reaquaints himself with the town elder, who somehow manages to see how sorry Cecil is for attacking the town and stealing the crystal. Very intuitive person, this elder, as all I can see is a very unemotional helmet. Must be something in Cecil's voice. He then sends you off to the mystical mountain in the east, which would allow you to cleanse yourself of your sins. Wow, instant forgiveness! Cool! Makes you kinda wonder how the criminal justice system in Mysidia actually works. And he's sending WHO with me? Oh great, obnoxious kid and his extremely polite kid sister, who just happen to be the two youngest and least trained mages in town. Gee, thanks elder. Is it just me, or does the game have a habbit of sticking you with the most useless characters it can find? I mean, Kain was good, but he only stayed in the party for a cave and part of the world map. Rydia's magic isn't that strong, and she ran out of MP awfully fast, meaning that her useless attack power was all that stood between her and the monsters. Edward is the spooney bard, enough said. And Tellah and Yang, the two vaguely good characters left the party much too soon! So, now that we have more useless party members, off we go to "Mount Purity"! Which definitely is not just to the east.
About a couple miles worth of world map travel later, which includes going North, South, and a little East, we finally reach the mountain. Travel...travel...oooh, Tellah! How the hell did you get here? Weren't you a couple continents away the last time we saw you? Well, they do say that old men have a tendency to wander, but this is somewhat absurd. Maybe he's so famous (according to the twins) that he can hitch free rides everywhere. Or maybe he did the Cloud trick (see Final Fantasy VII) and snuck on board a ship that managed to avoid Leviathan. Speaking of which, don't you think that sailors would know how to avoid a giant sea serpent? Anyway, conversation over, and we've managed to get a new party member with some good spells that do damage and can heal decent amounts of HP! Celebrate! We then trudge up the mountain, meet evil monster and his team of zombies, defeat evil monster and zombies, go two steps forward, have to defeat more powerful form of evil monster who somehow manages to acquire undead weakness that he didn't have in first battle. Huh. And lo and behold, what is ahead? It is a rock!
No seriously. It is a rock.
And upon touching the rock, it magically becomes some sort of cave chamber. Trust me, this thing wasn't big enough to enter before, but somehow, we're inside. Cecil approaches the random mirror inside the cave, mysterious voice speaks, and presto chango! Cecil's a paladin! The kids ooh and aah at the light show, Tellah's muttering to himself in the corner or something, and I'm squealing with delight as I find that, yes, there was a man under that armor, and yes, he is indeed good looking. While some corner of my mind contemplates where exactly Cecil's new clothes came from, never mind where his old armor went, Cecil is attacked by himself. Insert metaphysical speculation here. Anyway, you win the battle by not attacking, which is apparently symbolic, and will never happen again. Cecil and the kids discuss his new power, avoid commenting on his new appearance (which I am still oogling), and all of a sudden, Tellah remembers his magic spells, which apparently he had forgotten at some point in the game unknown to me. Plus he learns Meteor! Sephiroth eat your heart out! Which makes me wonder, how exactly did the old man forget his spells in the first place? Is it Alzheimer's?
To celebrate, we climb back down the mountain, and Cecil dies about three times because the game not only reduced his level, but it decided not to give him any form of protection. Apparently the armor he has on is just for show, as the status screen shows that the only thing he's wearing is "clothes". Gee, I should hope so. Eventually we reach the village again, and now everyone is okay with you because you're a paladin. Gee, guess clothes really do make the man. The elder opens a magic path that leads directly to Baron. O-okay. Now the questions arise. Why does nobody in Baron know about this path? And, couldn't the Mysidians use this place to steal back the crystal? Or is everybody in the game oblivious to things until they come into play in the storyline?
Now, upon returning to Baron, we immediately run into Yang, who recognizes you upon sight. Now, unless I'm missing something here, I have to wonder how exactly Yang knows who you are. I mean, Cecil never took off his helmet throughout the entire game. He even wore it to bed! I think he had attachment issues with the thing. So tell me, how does Yang recognize Cecil? Does he have magical monk abilities or something?
Okay, now Yang's brainwashed...yadayada...we beat the crap out of him to return him to normal. Wheee, violence solves everything! Happy reunion time! Oh, and Rydia got eaten by the giant sea serpent.
Okay this game is getting weirder and weirder...